"Psst, hey, it's-a me, Wario! I heard those nincompoops at the Nintendo website were writing a review of my latest game so I've infiltrated their offices in the dead of night to replace their text with my own. Wa-ha-haa!

So, what can I tell you about WarioWare: Smooth Moves? It's brilliant, so go and buy it. OK, bye!

You want more? Nyah, all right then. I guess I'll start by telling you how I came up with the idea.

There I was, chugging through Diamond City on my motorbike, dreaming of new ways to make piles of cash, when I stumbled across a temple. How I'd never seen it before, I'll never know, but I have an inquisitive nose so I went in to investigate.

Inside I found a strange device; something called a Form Baton (although it looked a lot like a Wii Remote to me). My favourite phrase is 'Finders, Keepers' so I grabbed it and scarpered. How was I to know the temple had a built-in anti-theft device in the shape of a giant, rolling boulder?

As I was making my valiant escape, the Form Baton began to speak to me. Weird, eh? It explained how I could control things with it by holding it in different ways: like a TV remote control, an umbrella, or a steering wheel. And then it struck me, like the time Waluigi dropped that crate of stuffed badgers on my head. I had myself a new money-making, microgame-inspiring gadget. How convenient!

You see, for those of you who don't know my work ('And why not?' I might add) I'm in the business of making marvellous minigames that are so easy to play, even you suckers er, nice members of the public can enjoy them with the minimum of fuss. The trick is, my microgames come at super-high mega-fast speed so you have to keep up the pace while you play. Got it? OK, good, we can move on now.

The Form Baton

Isn't technology wonderful? Back in the old days, you had to press buttons to play my microgames; now you just wave the Wii Remote, or twist it, turn it, tilt it, push it, pull it, jump up and down with it, stick it in front of your nose and act like an elephant Heh, thanks to the Wii Remote I've lined up some of the silliest microgames you've ever seen!

But don't blame it all on me. Like in my previous Wares, my pals have chipped in to help come up with new games, too. There's Mona the cheerleader, disco lover Jimmy T, Kat & Ana the kindergarten ninjas, Dribble & Spitz (who are still driving that clapped-out taxi) and Nintendo fanboy 9-Volt and his retro-themed games. There are also a couple of new faces in town: Penny Crygor (how Dr. Crygor got a granddaughter is beyond me) and karate kicking kid Young Cricket.

You'll meet my friends as you travel around the Diamond City map; the more friends you meet, the more you'll discover. Each one will teach you more moves with your Wii Remo..er, Form Baton, up to a grand total of 19 different positions. And you'd better be ready to switch poses at a moment's notice because the speed soon cranks up to a ridiculous pace!

You know, I'm grinning right now, thinking about all the silly things I can make you do in this game: pushing an old lady's dentures into her mouth, balancing a broom on your hand, poking a finger up a giant nose Of course, for an even bigger embarrassment factor you have to get your friends 'round and share the fun. That's why I invented the multiplayer mode, so that up to 12 people can join in and laugh at each other being ridiculous. If you're really cheap and don't have a second Wii Remote, a friend can use your Nunchuk in some of the games, too. You'll have to sit close to them so, as long as they don't have smelly armpits, you'll be fine.

Multiplayer mania

In multiplayer mode you can either take it in turns; poking fun at your friends' techniques while you sit back and stuff your face with crisps, or get off that sofa and challenge each other. One of my personal favourites is the balloon mode. While one person is playing a game, their opponents pump their Wii Remotes furiously to inflate a balloon. The one who's playing when the balloon goes pop is outta the game!

If you thought Wii Sports made you break into a sweat, think again. My games will have you doing squats, lifting weights (virtual ones, anyway) and shaking your booty like a mad thing. There's even a mode that tells you how much energy you're burning up; although, looking at my belly, I guess I need more practise at that

Oh, and I nearly forgot. You can bring your Miis into the game, too, because I made some games especially for them. Seeing your own face with a fireball hurtling towards it takes some getting used to, except for me. My Mii is in the image of Mario because I like tormenting it, but that's just my thing.

And did I mention that there are more than 200 microgames in total, each one of them brand new? I've had my microgame developers working around the clock, fed only on sprout sandwiches, to come up with the wackiest challenges you've ever seen. And, like before, I've invented some extra-special microgames that you can revisit to battle for the highest score, like the can-shooting game that reminds me of the old NES Duck Hunt, or the one in which you have to keep a tennis ball bouncing on a bat for as long as you can. It's tougher than it sounds, trust me. I invented it, and even I can't do it!

Listen, I don't have long. I can hear the security guard clomping down the corridor and he's going to shine his torch my way any second. I'd better scarper, pronto. But before I go, if you're in any doubts about buying my game, know this: all proceeds from the sales of WarioWare: Smooth Moves go to the 'Wario Fund for Undernourished Bellies', so you know it's for a good cause. Right, I'm outta here. Wa-ha-ha-haa!"

WarioWare: Smooth Moves is in shops from Friday, January 12.